Friday, May 25, 2012


My son just finished Pre K.  That's him in his little cap and gown. His teachers dressed them all up in it and took pictures. Adorable. They had a little ceremony where they sang a few songs, we watched a slide show, and they received their "diplomas." It was very cute and the teachers did a wonderful job.  I tried very hard not to notice that my son was receiving more assistance than most to participate, and that hearing the teacher tell other parents that their children were ready for kindergarten, and would do just fine, didn't bother me.  It's these kind of moments that kind of jerk you back into reality.  You try not to let it bother you, but it hurts.  Don't get me wrong, I am extremely proud of him.  He has come such a long way – to even stand there with the rest of the class and attempt to participate is wonderful!  I am just saying there are moments like these when it hits me.  Moments when I think about all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears that we've put in, and feel like it hasn't been enough.  It hits me and I think, "Hey lady, remember, Beckett has autism, he is going to struggle to do normal everyday things that other kids just pick up on."  Oh yeah.  It still hurts.  It still hurts when I see him around a group of kids and he doesn't know how, or necessarily even want to try and play with them.  Then, I start blaming myself.  I think, "I need to try to get him around more kids, or we need to have kids come over and play (which we never do), or I haven't done enough to help him with this." I think about kindergarten and it kind of worries me.  Will the other kids start teasing him because he doesn't play with them, is still not potty trained, or because he makes noises and repeats things over and over, and can't tell them about his favorite show or toy?   In a perfect world, they would see past these things and see the sweet, funny, silly boy that I do.  But, this is not a perfect world, and unfortunately I know these things can just get worse as he gets older.  Blah.  I have let my thoughts go to the dark side again.  Don't worry, I will go mix up a delicious fruity summer drink and stop being such a "Debbie Downer." I know  this blog post contradicts my last post that was filled with positivity.  But, these are the things I've been thinking about, and this is my blog,  so I can do whatever I want.  Ha!